Two freaks are better than one

When I'm gone

My written thoughts will find a home in the back of your minds, they will reside in the corner of your hearts thus —

I shall live when I pass, I shall live forever.

And if ever your tongue calls out my name, do not speak of me but rather speak of what I spoke of, speak of the intricate subjects my mind has touched. Speak of my opinions, my philosophies, my beliefs but do not speak of me. Speak of the idea of me. For who I am isn't worth your time but what I am, is.

Out to get me

Many a time I have been asked of how do I overcome my anxieties, the demons that have found a home in me. The answer to that is I don't, overcoming such things entirely are improbable. All you could possibly do is to keep them inert in hope to diminish. Take a deep breath and don't give in to what's waiting to break you.

Proper Portrait of Two Mentalists

Proper Portrait of Two Mentalists I . II .II

It has been quite awhile since I last took a proper photograph with anyone. I doubt I've even taken any that I'd make an artwork of in the past. So, here's a first. Anyway, if you're lucky, you get to meet someone who's just like you but with a penis.
And he's me with a penis.

The end

View on Tumblr : Proper Portrait of Two Mentalists

Confine

Man standardized the way of behaving in hope to confine 
the odd, the queer, the wild ones. 

Please I beg of me, don't let me get me.

Books were written about people like us,

People like you and I,

The dead amongst the living,

The rain on a sunny day.

Truth be told, you too, feel like home.

Deliverance

I'm rarely seen without my earphones on, that's a fact. I find the need to listen to music almost all the time to a point when one of my siblings or parents wanted to have a conversation with me I'd stop them and say "Don't speak, I want to listen to some songs." Of course they said I was being rude which is something we both agreed on, Ally doesn't mind, Ally's often caught up with her own world and doesn't like to be interrupted. Anyway, it has also become a habit of mine to listen to a few songs right after I've woken up every single day. And when I said "right after", it's literally once I've opened my eyes. They say it's a good distraction but it isn't about that at all to me. It isn't escapism, it's deliverance. It is not my way of escaping, it's my way of saving. If I were to be so bold to admit of the things that have saved me, they would be God and music. Perhaps one day, I'd speak more of the first but for now, this should suffice. I once said, "God bless those who are capable of arranging words in sentences and bound them to melodies that have saved millions of souls." One of which being mine, at least in a degree I know of.

Hitler

Marker rendering on tracing paper.

Heads-up

Most people believe in asking questions to get answers especially when it comes to knowing a person. But I beg to differ. I believe that to really know a person, it goes beyond questionnaires, it is through immersion. You immerse yourself in the music they listen to, it says more about who they are than they care to admit most of the time. Those are the words they feel but have never cared to express. You observe their behaviour, the way they sit, the way they walk. You observe the way they speak and whether or not their eyes light up when speaking of a particular subject. Whether or not they avoid eye contact when speaking of something uncomfortable or maybe even scratch their hand or head while they're at it. In such a way you'd be able to get the idea of one's disposition, maybe not who they are entirely but generally, a person is who they are based on their habits. Alongside that, to save yourself the trouble, it's not at all difficult to spot an emotionally detached person, carefully listen to the words they've chosen to arrange into sentences while you observe their facial expressions, there's bound to be a contradiction. Being observant has its perks but let's not forget of the other kind, there are those very few who deceive, those are the ones who are cognizant of every single movement they make, every single word they speak, those are the ones who know every single detail of who they are —

Those people, are not to be trusted. :)

You sir, disgust me

Familiarity

Rain, come and stay.

Through the night and day,
She's been terribly lonely,

Never alone entirely,

Never truly happy,

But you're her favourite company.

Angel's Anus

I've been working on this project called "Angel's Anus" which is about revamping my room. It all started with me moving out of my apartment and back in with my parents which happened last week and considering I'm on my one week break, I thought why the hell not. I'm awfully distraught by the fact that I have to leave my apartment and I just wanted to feel better. Yes, I am attached to things.  I threw out a lot of stuffs including the built-in cabinet I have to see every fucking night before I sleep because it's hanging on top of my head along with the annoying upholstered headboards on the wall. I was quite amazed of how many things I own but no longer use or no longer find useful so some went into the trash can and some went to charity because most of them are in good condition. Once all the cleaning is done, I had my friends over to scrape off the old paint in my room because it was black.

Meet Byron and Neo. Anyway, after awhile it seems quite impossible so we stopped and I went off to get some paint with my father the next day. Most of you were asking if I was using the same paint for both the cabinets and the walls, the answer to that is no. I'm awfully lazy to answer on Instagram or anywhere else for that matter, most of the time, I'm not even sorry, I'm just lazy. Okay, I used oil-based paint for the cabinets and acrylic for the walls. They're of the same shade of white, at least close enough, I made sure of that. 3 coats on the walls and 1 coat on the cabinets with touch ups here and there as I'd like it to look a wee bit grungy, not too clean. I've also painted the iGallop (OSIM) from dark grey to pure white using acrylic, because it has to fit in with the rest. I'm quite a fan of acrylic paint really, it dries up fairly quickly as opposed to any oil-based paint, they're complete fuckers. It took me a week to do all of it, from cleaning to painting. Four days of painting though, doing it alone does take a lot of time and I'm pretty sure my spine is now deformed.

Here's a  before and after.

The concept.

I've never liked white, at least that's not something I'd ever wear, I only have 1 top in my closet that is in white which I've never even worn outside. But I do however like the art of deception. My previous room was black and it was obvious as to what kind of person I am, it was too easy. White seems a lot more frightful to me, I'm a big fan of padded cells in a psychiatric hospital though, there's just something about it. The concept was inspired by that, except without pads, I'm not going to physically hurt myself now am I? It's already messed up in my head. That's torturous enough so no padding needed. Psychologically speaking in terms of colour, too much of white may lead to something appearing cold and unfriendly, that is also why. I do not want people in my room, it's my bloody sanctuary. That is when I came up with the name "Angel's Anus". I told my friends, I want my room to be white as possible as though I'm in an Angel's anus. That I did.

And mission accomplished.

The gayest bastard I know

Today would be one of my best friend's birthday—Neo. I only have two best friends, that's quite a contradiction as the term "best" means utmost whereby there should only be one. But then again who's to say I can't have two bests. You're not the boss of me. Quite frankly, I never thought we'd actually have this kind of friendship when we first met which was 2 years ago but then life did this funny thing as it always does. Having a guy as a best friend isn't at all odd for me but I was told that it isn't "normal", people tend to have this assumption that there might be something more to it than just friendship but my God are they wrong. The thing people do not know about this kind of friendships would be that there is no attraction, none whatsoever. Look, we've become so close that thinking about us being more than just friends would be categorized as incest. Apart from that, I have this thing where if I'm friends with someone, once I've decided "Okay, he's a friend." That's just it. It can't be something more, my heart wouldn't be able to feel anything more. I am certain because I know myself well enough. Fortunately, he's the same. If he were to read this he'd mock because he's an asshole and I'd probably cuss him because I, too am one, so all is good. Here I am wishing a Happy Birthday to my cunt of a best friend, may you.. suck a bag of dicks.

But you're addicted.

V for Vendetta

Markers on tracing paper.

Don't fret, you're not wanted anymore.

Perhaps it was me

Someday I'd meet my Creator and I would like to ask him a question. 

Has He made me this way or was it me who destroyed myself.

Sleepless City

This design was made based on a line from the poem "Sleepless City" by Federico Garcia Lorca during the surrealistic movement which is "Out in the sky, no one sleeps." As it has been known,  my artworks have always been surreal, you can say that surrealism is my niche therefore creating this was a lot of fun.

No sugar in my tea please, I prefer it slightly bitter, like my life.

The light

Oh what's a being got to do in such a monotonous world if not the most tedious thing ever which is to hope for the best.  

Such riveting life we live in, do you not think? Surrounded by sinner, saints and everyone else in between. Those who are certain, those who are lost and then there are those who are fighting the same battle with themselves every single day just to have something to believe in as am I. It is with utmost bewilderment for me to say that I belong to the in-betweens which has never failed to both enfeeble and substantiate my relationship with myself. However, one day I hope to see the light and when I do, I hope it'll always be as bright and beautifully blinding, I hope it'll remain unchanged. We are no stranger to the volatility of our hearts yeah? And that's probably the most challenging thing to keep an eye on. Perhaps in my case, both eyes are required.

Off-white

It has never been easy.

 (T-shirt from #frenzytogo.)

"But what about your heart?"

Don't worry, it's not there.

You don't see

We could coexist, with our hearts ablaze with passion and the world doesn't have to self-destruct.

But he is vanilla and I need neapolitan.

They are not all tough.

But I have a good personality.

Open your eyes

When you've done your best but it's not good enough then it's time for you to decide what you deserve. The problem with us is that we tend to lower our standards because we're afraid that maybe there isn't something better or maybe this is as good as it gets. So we brave ourselves through the disappointments and constant heartaches while still hoping for the best. Don't sell yourself short, you have options and all you've got to do is look with your mind then let the heart follow. Take it from me, lowering your standards for someone is a mistake. If he/she can't reach it, someone else can.

 Alas, creatures.

If you're one of those who got away then maybe you're just that lucky. 

I tend to destroy everything I touch.

 But if you find there's a certain kind of beauty in destructions just like I do.

come  back  to  me.

Alas, creatures.

Peek-a-boo

 No matter who you are regardless how much you have aged, 

fear is always there to keep you company.

Alas, creatures.

There are no rules anymore or at least I do not care for any of it. The whole playing-it-cool-to-not-seem-desperate bit, that's just bloody ridiculous. I'm at a point where I feel that if you're quite fond of me then just let me know and if you want me in your life, you make sure that happens. I've done complicated as I, too am one and I've played all kinds of games that have ever existed but none of which is more galvanizing than unadulterated honesty and a man who knows exactly what he wants.

 Alas, creatures.

Her

The worst part of having an alter-ego is that you have no control over it. It's been years and there are still times when things get out of hand. When she decides to resurface, it's overwhelming and it's unexplainable. It makes Ally feel very uncomfortable in her own skin, literally uncomfortable as though something is crawling and scratching, trying to get out but couldn't. It's a lonely experience really. They say it's all in your head but thing is, they're all real. And she's not leaving till she gets what she wants and that is everything good gone. Everything good in me, the good ones surround me. All of it. What I have to do is try my best not to give in because if I do, then she wins. They say writing is therapeutic, they say all kind of shits don't they? I'm at war, every fucking day and have you any idea how frustrating that is? How exhausting? Although I'm a lot better at handling it now compared to a few years ago, it still aches. Such malice, such rage may soon bring me to ruin, again.

Alas, creatures.

A part of detachment

Sometimes it's best to start anew. 

Besides, my hair grows at a very fast pace so who the hell cares.

Alas, creatures.

She's losing it they say but little did they know that I've lost it a long time ago. And all I've done ever since was contain myself in a mentally built cage for the sake of everyone else. In a way, it's tormenting. They ask me how am I feeling as though I was expected to break down but I'm genuinely okay. Not top-notch but fine. Right now, I'm in a place where I hope things get better for myself. Not for anyone else, not anymore. 

The Logo

Hello there, so yesterday I was in a dire need of distraction so I've decided to create my own logo. The actual logo is without the text but I've decided to add it on for this particular post. Anyway, it's actually a lot tougher to create a self-promotional logo as you know so much about yourself. I have decided to create mine based on my "irrational" fear of the sun. A heliophobic I am. It's not at all irrational really because sunlight makes me ill. Okay, I should stop before I deviate, you do not want to get me started. Believe me. But yes, that. I'm quite strange you see so I thought to myself, "Hey, it's better to create a logo based on a focus point, it's easier.". The most prominent thing about myself. Hence, the sun and also the eye considering I'm quite an observer, I am highly fascinated by eyes and also my eyes are one of the things that make me remember-able aside from my fangs that is but then again I don't go grinning all the time. There are a lot of people in the past that thought I was a part of the Illuminati or whatnot just because my artworks have always been dark and some involved eyes. All I have to say is one thing, get your head out of your ass. As a person, my personality is dark, has always been and always will be, a tortured soul, that's one of the things I love and loathe about myself but no, nothing I've done or will be doing has anything to do with that. It's all about me and what's within. So, that shall be all. You'll be seeing a lot of this in the future though. Ally has to go now, Ally's jaded.

Alas, creatures.

Screaming nails

 You gave me a fright.

No I don't like you.

Man is nothing more but a mere mortal and no man should ever dismiss the existence of a higher power, for there is a much greater power than man himself that goes beyond reason, science and technology or else impossibilities and limitations would never have become evident in the lives of our kind.

Alas, creatures.

Paranoia

They say I'm paranoid but I'd very much prefer the term "extremely careful". With that being said, to trust another being is a highly unlikely event in the lives of people like me and in return, we should not be trusted.

Alas, creatures.

Nowadays, all it takes is a photograph and a caption to make or break a person or to simply "educate" everyone regarding anything at all, be it true or false because we live amongst impressionable fools that never find the need to authenticate any contents read ergo they became nescient slaves to written words and such kind I despise.

Alas, creatures.

At night is when I feel the most human, it is the time I let myself immerse in unnecessary emotions, drowning in pure vulnerability and evidently, the time I detest myself most.

Alas, creatures.

Monsters

The most anticipated plot twist in life that many chose to avoid thinking of would be that the real monsters are often the ones you know so well, only in such a way that they're capable of destroying you. However, in a much rarer cases as mine, I may be it.

Alas, creatures.

 Judge me if you must but all that I am, I am well-aware of.

You see, some guys are idiotically shameless, they'd call me by pet names thinking maybe, I might be one of those girls who are just too damn nice to say a thing and just let it slide but my God are they wrong. As petty as that sounds, it's infuriating nonetheless. Frankly, I'm the kind of person who'd speak her mind and let you know that such distasteful act will never be tolerated as I do not know you and you disgust me. Look, I'm in a very serious relationship but even if I'm not, piddly shits like that or even flirting will never fly with me because unlike most, I think very highly of myself. Bear in mind that I'm a lass of principle and I've always been boisterously honest which is why I am hated by many but that is understandable as I've never said I was likeable in the first place. Being testy and blunt is never a good combination but fortunately I've come to terms with it. And yes, I'm not those girly girls you come a cross ever so often, I'm just that "arrogant asshole" who doesn't belong to everyone.

 Alas, creatures.

Frankly, if I were to give a fuck about what people speak of me,
 I'll be wasting all my life away.

Tumblr post

Alas, creatures.

Crossbreed

 

Hello there, earthlings. Feeling alright nowadays? Let's just pretend I'm that caring for a second. 1 second later.. Okay, done. Today I shall be talking about the new "CROSSBREED" sweatshirt that FTG has recently released. It was designed by yours truly, that means myself. As most of you know, I have been using the line "Sors Salutis" on my bio sections for quite sometime now, be it on Instagram or Twitter. The translation to that would be fate is against me. It was depicted from my favourite Latin poem "O Fortuna."  I'm all about the dramatic, what's more to life than that. Anyhow, I have decided to include that in my design for this sweatshirt. Apart from that, this design was inspired by one of Leonardo da Vinci's drawing "The Vitruvian Man" which is about human proportions. You can read all about it via Google, if you care enough. There's something about this particular drawing that fascinates me which is why I've decided to use the concept for my design which also involves a juxtaposition of a horse's head. I'm all about the absurd as well, that's nothing new. What's funny is I didn't know that 2014 is a year of the horse according to the Chinese Zodiac when designing but hey, what a grand coincidence, now it's a definite must-have. Besides that, the quality of this sweatshirt is great, just like FTG's previous sweatshirts, The Seven Deadly Sins'. It's not too thick nor too thin, just good enough for Malaysia's weather. You can read their customers' reviews on their blog. If you're interested to purchase this sweatshirt, you can only get them from FTG. One thing about FTG is that chances of them restocking their official products are close to none, so, go on and place your orders while stocks last. That will be it for now, I'm dead beat.

 Alas, creatures.

2014

Most people need new years to reinvent themselves while some of us actually try to be a better person everyday. So, you can kid yourself with New Year's resolutions but hell, that's not for me because I'm wise enough to know that if you want to make some changes in your life or yourself you can do it anytime, you don't have to wait for the new years. A new year is not a big deal to me, it never has been, it's not like there's a global pause or anything to make it valuable, it's not a reset button. To me, I see life as a whole, not per year just as how I view myself as a person. I wouldn't do that to myself you see, I wouldn't be a hypocrite. Look, I could easily type out a lengthy post about what last year has taught me or what I've been through but I'm not going to as they're all in my head so I'll just sum it up for all of you that are taking your time to read this.

In a nutshell, what I've witnessed in the year 2013 would be that there are still a lot of a-holes out there and if you aren't careful, you'll be one of them. So, always look out after yourself and your every flaw because people tend to forget about themselves when dissing about someone else.

And as long as I'm still living along with the people I love, 
come hell or high water, I'll be still.

Alas, creatures.

I don't belong to the pop culture.

Alas, creaures.

The Irony

 Alas, creatures.