The more I grow, the less I care

Funny how in a month, I'll be a 22 year old. It seems like it was only yesterday that I turned 21. Time sure moves rather quickly when you're living in the now. I've noticed that the more I grow older, the less I care and I have reached a point where I honestly don't give a damn about anything which is why you're seeing a lot less of me online now compared to before.

Four weeks ago, I have posted a picture on Instagram with a caption that explains how I no longer have the interest of being around other people as their energy exhaust me. Unfortunately that is true. I don't know about  you but socializing or being in a rather "social" situation wears me out. Which explains why I no longer hang out with my friends because I very much prefer being by myself. I don't quite fancy hanging out in groups, if I were to hang out with my friends, I'd prefer doing it one at a time, or at most, 3. The only other person I spend time with aside from my family, is my boy. Not because we're in a relationship, it's because he is just like me. It feels just right and natural.

Thing is, before this even when I don't care, I still try. I supposed I don't have the time for that anymore. I have gotten ridiculously lazy. If something makes me feel unpleasant, I get rid of it. That applies to people as well. I have cut off so many people from my life, not because I hate them, it's because I don't find them a necessity. If they want to talk, I'm here for them but if not, I'm gone. That probably makes me seem like a complete asshole but honestly, that's exactly what I feel. I have been so independent that I don't find the need to rely on anyone. If there's a problem, I'll fix it. And if I can't, I'll make sure I do anyhow.

You just reach a certain point where you genuinely don't give a fuck anymore and you just live. Everything else seems petty. That's exactly what I'm doing. I am merely living, one day at a time. I haven't decided if that's good or bad just yet and it doesn't matter since life itself has its pros and cons. I'll tell you this though, the best thing about social isolation is that I spend more time reflecting on everything including myself. That's one way to learn.

Breathe, love

If two people want each other enough, they'll brave through it all. 

So, breathe.

Home

My world didn't spin out of balance when I met him, instead, it settled. That finally, after years of living, I'm home. And when you've found a safe place, you don't ever want to leave.

Veiled

Whatever lies within is nobody's business. 

www.notyourgod.co

Short hair for a short temper

Grey, blue and everything in between.

Sometimes I miss my raven black hair but then I thought of my heart and I'd feel better. The colour of my hair has been changing a lot lately from silver to purple to blue but this is the first time I've actually decided to turn it blue entirely. I don't mind much as it'll be silver again when it fades. I'm glad I've found a way to dye my hair without damaging it, in fact it's really quite hydrating. My hair is now almost as soft as how it was before except with added volume which I love. The reason I've cut off my hair is because I've been rather impulsive lately and quite fearless I might say. Everything is bound to change at some point so I figured, why not be the one in-charge of it. Anyway, my final year has started so I'd be rather busy again for a couple of months and before I get out of bed to drink a glass of juice, the lipstick I'm wearing in that picture is from Not Your God in Nymphadora. A lovely shade that is. And now, my job is done and I shall go. Have a good day ahead, whoever you are.

Regimes

Just so you know, this will be one hell of a long post.

I had black hair for years and now it's silver. So, let's cut to the chase shall we? I had to bleach my hair seven times, yes 7. Nobody does that especially not in 2 months. Is it bad for your hair? Of course. Do I care? Not really. I have had naturally healthy hair for as long as I live, it's good to have a challenge now, to maintain and whatnot. Anyhow, the first 3 times was done by a friend and then I went to the salon because I was lazy to do it myself as my hair was quite long. The reason I bleached 7 times was because I dyed my hair black so I couldn't get an even blonde. The parts that were dyed black before remained darker than the rest of the hair. It was devastating. It would be easier for you if you hadn't dyed your hair raven black before. 4 times of bleaching should probably be enough for Asian hair to be blonde.

Extra point: I've conditioned my damaged hair with coconut oil in between bleaches before I've decided to dye it. I lather it on everyday and every night because the condition of my hair was terribly bad.  It was noodle-like and the split ends were crazy (Never knew what that was until I had it) So, I did everything I can to keep it from getting worse. The coconut oil works very well. Also, if you take a tablespoon or two everyday it helps you lose weight. Just in case you're wondering if it works, it does. It's amazing.

Okay, let's resume. As for the dyes, I've tried Schwarzkopf's Igora silver dye after my 6th bleach but that wasn't as good and it doesn't last as long. After my 7th bleach, which is the middle picture below, I've decided to cut off my hair and dye it with La riche Directions Silver. It is a semi permanent hair dye which works really well, not only does it conditions the hair, it lasts longer too.

It took me a long time to remove the orang-y tone from my hair, that is when the purple shampoo comes in. I use it once every three days to maintain the silver dye. I can't wash my hair everyday anymore as my hair is dry so when I do, I'd use the purple shampoo. I leave it on for about half an hour to get rid of the unwanted yellow and orange tones from my hair. The third picture is how it looks like with frequent usage of purple shampoo and La riche Directions Silver. Considering you don't need to mix La Riche Directions with any peroxide, you may leave it as long as you wish till your desired colour is achieved, I left mine for two hours.

Even after using La riche Directions, I still have a wee bit of light brown hair mixed up with most of my silver, not that noticeable, but it's there. That is when I've decided to make my own hair toner to get the exact silver that I've been wanting.

I've used this hair treatment cream and mixed it with a blue and purple powder hair dye to create an indigo color. This way it'll remove the orang-y tone from my hair. I lathered the mixture on my slightly damp hair and left it for 15 minutes. Surprisingly, it works perfectly. Better than any hair dyes I've used. Maybe a little too well that some parts of my already silver hair turns blue. But I love it.

This is the final outcome, after months of trying, I'm finally content. I even made a purple mixture to dye my sister's blonde hair with this method and it turns out beautiful. I bleached her hair twice and used this method to turn it from blonde to a rich purple. Even when it's fading, it faded into a pastel purple which looks gorgeous. The reason why I love this aside from La riche Directions', it's because it's less damaging than using any dyes with peroxide. This will be my go-to method whenever I need to tone my hair. All orange / yellow tone removed and my hair is left with silver and blue.

Stuffs I use to take care of my hair:

I've been using these two products and they work best for my dry and damaged hair. Trust me when I say I've tried a lot of products before landing on these two. Give it a try if you'd like but then again what works for me may not work for you but since all you have is time and money, why not? It's annoying really, when before this, I didn't even use anything on my hair and it was soft as fuck. But oh well, you gain something, you lose something else. Fortunately, I have ways to get what I've lost because I don't give up. You shouldn't either. I will keep finding new ways to get back my healthy hair and when I do, I'll let you know.

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Now, let's talk about skin.
I'm a freak when it comes to my skin. I am obsessed. I don't get pimples, not often but I have developed a rather sensitive skin as I grow. I realized that when I'm 19 years old and I can't just use any random products as how I used to but thankfully I know my skin well enough to find the best products for it.

First of all, the current soap I'm using :

I have been using these two soaps for months and they're very good. I call them the Greellow Soap I used these for both my face and my body. Talk about being a cheapskate right? I don't care what matters is it works. I was told to use it only for my body but I thought why not, it's good. It's a herbal soap, the green works as a scrub and the yellow works as a skin lightener. These two soaps works wonders on my skin although it can be drying but it's very good. If you're already fair, you can use it to maintain your skin's fairness. These soaps also prevents and gets rid of acne. When using these, be sure your moisturizer or body lotion is hydrating enough.

Moving on to moisturizer:

I use Dr. Jart's Liquid Ceramidin. I've been using this for months and I rarely have breakouts. It is lightweight which is a plus point. So I can safely say it works well for those with sensitive skin. I use this after I cleanse my face with two those soaps. This will moisturize your face greatly without it being sticky. I bought this 2 months ago and I haven't even finished it. Although it's pricey, it lasts long as you don't have to use that much, probably just as big as a 20 cents' coin every time. This moisturizer is able to reduce the size of your pores and makes your skin looks healthier. Since I've used this, I don't plan on changing my moisturizer.

Aside from that I also use this little pulse cream:

I avoid slapping on a lot of products on my face because it's inconvenient and it might.. summon pimples. Yes, summon. So this one is good as all I have to do is rub it on my pulse. From the ones on my neck to the ones on my wrists and even my tummy. Apparently, it balances out your hormones, preventing breakouts and it makes your skin fairer. It works excellent in preventing breakouts, I had both my mom and my sister use it since they do have a lot of acnes and it works extremely well on them.

Twice a week kind of thing:

As for maintaining closed pores, I use Dr. Jart's Pore Medic. There's not much to say for this except for how amazing it is. Give it a try then you'll know. It leaves your skin soft and smooth with your blackheads gone. It makes the process of extracting your blackheads a lot easier.

As for the rest of my body, I mix this white cream I've been using for years with Johnson's Body Care Oxygen Fresh Gel Lotion to create a light serum that absorbs quickly into my skin. It works to lighten and hydrate your skin. I actually bought an empty bottle with a pump from Daiso to store this mixture. That is all I've been using for years.

Avoid using any creams that require you to dip your finger into it. If you keep doing that it'll allow bacteria to just sit in the cream and the more you use it the worse it gets, that is how you get pimples. If you need to, use a new cotton swab every time.

They think I'm crazy for caring so much for my skin but the truth is, little things matter. Why overlook them? For example, I taught my sister to not allow hair conditioner to drip down her back when she showers, also to avoid using hot water while she's at it as it'll cause back acne. At first she thought it was ridiculous but then she tried washing it my way and her back got a lot better. There's a cause for everything, you just need to observe.

Scars & pimples:

When there is a pimple on my face, I don't pop it because popping will only make it worse. So what I do is apply creams. I have about several different creams for different kinds of pimples. To those who think you can just use one for all, you're stupid. Below are the ones I often use.

 Simple's Spotless Skin Rapid Action for first sign of pimple (the not-so-big red bump)

 

Dermic Eucare Recover cream for the tiny white bumps (comedones), its cooling effect helps reduce the size of those tiny buggers to nonexistent. Aside from that, I do use Oxy 5 for bigger pimples, the kind that hurts before even appearing, it works well for that kind of pimple but the downside is that it dries out the skin rather badly.

And as for scars, when I have one, this is my go-to. It is absolutely amazing. It's pricey but worth it. I actually use this to get rid of the scar of my eyebrow piercing.

That is all for now. I am terribly exhausted. I'd be updating more once I've tried new products. I have tried many products online and offline, some of which are locally made, some are great and some are not. If you have a product that you think is good and would like me to make a review out of it, do send me an email. Although I do prefer products that is to be applied on my body instead of my face. Lastly, the most exciting part of this post is that you can actually purchase some of these items through the following website :

www.notyourgod.co

Yes, that will be my warehouse, online.

Have fun.

Stuck

Here's to myself and I— if we don't work out we'd end up with someone who's only the second-best and you and I both know we deserve the one on the very top of the food chain. So, I guess we're happily stuck with each other and that's coming from a claustrophobe. 

Nonpareil

We're so alike that being with him has made me realized how much of a cunt I really am. If that's not love, then it's certainly something better.

Submergence

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Sod Off

Constant.

(T-shirt from +Frenzy To Go)

Horns

When you want to be, be.

 Don't tell me what's good for me, I know them all but they aren't right for me.

(Hair clips from @blackswan.my on Instagram | Thank you.)

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Of my favourite sight

 Nikkor 35mm f/1.8G is wonderful but my boy? He's divine.

Faceless beauty

Faceless beauty, the sky. Ever so beautiful and that's coming from
someone who isn't fond of the world outside. Clearly, that says a lot.

Two freaks are better than one

Proper Portrait of Two Mentalists

Proper Portrait of Two Mentalists I . II .II

It has been quite awhile since I last took a proper photograph with anyone. I doubt I've even taken any that I'd make an artwork of in the past. So, here's a first. Anyway, if you're lucky, you get to meet someone who's just like you but with a penis.
And he's me with a penis.

The end

View on Tumblr : Proper Portrait of Two Mentalists

Confine

Man standardized the way of behaving in hope to confine 
the odd, the queer, the wild ones. 

Deliverance

I'm rarely seen without my earphones on, that's a fact. I find the need to listen to music almost all the time to a point when one of my siblings or parents wanted to have a conversation with me I'd stop them and say "Don't speak, I want to listen to some songs." Of course they said I was being rude which is something we both agreed on, Ally doesn't mind, Ally's often caught up with her own world and doesn't like to be interrupted. Anyway, it has also become a habit of mine to listen to a few songs right after I've woken up every single day. And when I said "right after", it's literally once I've opened my eyes. They say it's a good distraction but it isn't about that at all to me. It isn't escapism, it's deliverance. It is not my way of escaping, it's my way of saving. If I were to be so bold to admit of the things that have saved me, they would be God and music. Perhaps one day, I'd speak more of the first but for now, this should suffice. I once said, "God bless those who are capable of arranging words in sentences and bound them to melodies that have saved millions of souls." One of which being mine, at least in a degree I know of.

Heads-up

Most people believe in asking questions to get answers especially when it comes to knowing a person. But I beg to differ. I believe that to really know a person, it goes beyond questionnaires, it is through immersion. You immerse yourself in the music they listen to, it says more about who they are than they care to admit most of the time. Those are the words they feel but have never cared to express. You observe their behaviour, the way they sit, the way they walk. You observe the way they speak and whether or not their eyes light up when speaking of a particular subject. Whether or not they avoid eye contact when speaking of something uncomfortable or maybe even scratch their hand or head while they're at it. In such a way you'd be able to get the idea of one's disposition, maybe not who they are entirely but generally, a person is who they are based on their habits. Alongside that, to save yourself the trouble, it's not at all difficult to spot an emotionally detached person, carefully listen to the words they've chosen to arrange into sentences while you observe their facial expressions, there's bound to be a contradiction. Being observant has its perks but let's not forget of the other kind, there are those very few who deceive, those are the ones who are cognizant of every single movement they make, every single word they speak, those are the ones who know every single detail of who they are —

Those people, are not to be trusted. :)

Angel's Anus

I've been working on this project called "Angel's Anus" which is about revamping my room. It all started with me moving out of my apartment and back in with my parents which happened last week and considering I'm on my one week break, I thought why the hell not. I'm awfully distraught by the fact that I have to leave my apartment and I just wanted to feel better. Yes, I am attached to things.  I threw out a lot of stuffs including the built-in cabinet I have to see every fucking night before I sleep because it's hanging on top of my head along with the annoying upholstered headboards on the wall. I was quite amazed of how many things I own but no longer use or no longer find useful so some went into the trash can and some went to charity because most of them are in good condition. Once all the cleaning is done, I had my friends over to scrape off the old paint in my room because it was black.

Meet Byron and Neo. Anyway, after awhile it seems quite impossible so we stopped and I went off to get some paint with my father the next day. Most of you were asking if I was using the same paint for both the cabinets and the walls, the answer to that is no. I'm awfully lazy to answer on Instagram or anywhere else for that matter, most of the time, I'm not even sorry, I'm just lazy. Okay, I used oil-based paint for the cabinets and acrylic for the walls. They're of the same shade of white, at least close enough, I made sure of that. 3 coats on the walls and 1 coat on the cabinets with touch ups here and there as I'd like it to look a wee bit grungy, not too clean. I've also painted the iGallop (OSIM) from dark grey to pure white using acrylic, because it has to fit in with the rest. I'm quite a fan of acrylic paint really, it dries up fairly quickly as opposed to any oil-based paint, they're complete fuckers. It took me a week to do all of it, from cleaning to painting. Four days of painting though, doing it alone does take a lot of time and I'm pretty sure my spine is now deformed.

Here's a  before and after.

The concept.

I've never liked white, at least that's not something I'd ever wear, I only have 1 top in my closet that is in white which I've never even worn outside. But I do however like the art of deception. My previous room was black and it was obvious as to what kind of person I am, it was too easy. White seems a lot more frightful to me, I'm a big fan of padded cells in a psychiatric hospital though, there's just something about it. The concept was inspired by that, except without pads, I'm not going to physically hurt myself now am I? It's already messed up in my head. That's torturous enough so no padding needed. Psychologically speaking in terms of colour, too much of white may lead to something appearing cold and unfriendly, that is also why. I do not want people in my room, it's my bloody sanctuary. That is when I came up with the name "Angel's Anus". I told my friends, I want my room to be white as possible as though I'm in an Angel's anus. That I did.

And mission accomplished.

The gayest bastard I know

Today would be one of my best friend's birthday—Neo. I only have two best friends, that's quite a contradiction as the term "best" means utmost whereby there should only be one. But then again who's to say I can't have two bests. You're not the boss of me. Quite frankly, I never thought we'd actually have this kind of friendship when we first met which was 2 years ago but then life did this funny thing as it always does. Having a guy as a best friend isn't at all odd for me but I was told that it isn't "normal", people tend to have this assumption that there might be something more to it than just friendship but my God are they wrong. The thing people do not know about this kind of friendships would be that there is no attraction, none whatsoever. Look, we've become so close that thinking about us being more than just friends would be categorized as incest. Apart from that, I have this thing where if I'm friends with someone, once I've decided "Okay, he's a friend." That's just it. It can't be something more, my heart wouldn't be able to feel anything more. I am certain because I know myself well enough. Fortunately, he's the same. If he were to read this he'd mock because he's an asshole and I'd probably cuss him because I, too am one, so all is good. Here I am wishing a Happy Birthday to my cunt of a best friend, may you.. suck a bag of dicks.